8 Things I've Learned as a Working Mom
Today’s blog post comes to us from certified book coach Julie Artz. Julie serves social and environmental justice-minded story geeks who understand that books change lives with a combination of craft knowledge, industry smarts, strategic planning, and tough love.
Ahead of National Working Parents’ Day, we are featuring blog posts from certified coaches who balance parenting in addition to working full or part-time. If you’re interested in learning more about book coaching, you can read more here and download a sample chapter of Jennie Nash’s book, Read Books All Day & Get Paid for It.
Julie Artz
Certified Book Coach
When I started my own business as a freelance editor — a business that blossomed into the book coaching businesses that I run (and love) today — I expected a steep learning curve on small business taxes, contracts, infrastructure, marketing, and more.
What I didn’t expect was the ravenous Guilt Goblins who plagued me each time I prioritized my business over my kids.
If you had a negative reaction to me saying I prioritized my business over my kids, poke at that a bit (especially if you’re a man who has a wife at home caring for your kids, whether she works or not). This is a choice that men in our society rarely have to make. It’s a choice that the Patriarchy foists on women, then punishes them relentlessly if they choose their career over their domestic duties. And one of the ways it punishes us is by sending the Guilt Goblins to plague our nightmares.
My kids are teenagers now and although their needs are different (I don’t have to sit by their bedside when they have a cold now or drive them to practice/rehearsal/school), their needs are still intense. Because it’s important to me to be here for my kids, any time I choose my job over them in some way, those Guilt Goblins pipe up again. Although I’m not sure it’s possible to slay them entirely, it is possible to keep them at bay.
Here are eight things I’ve learned in my years as a working mom. I share them here in honor of Working Parents’ Day, September 15, and in hopes that they help you vanquish your own Guilt Goblins when they invade the dark recesses of your mind.
Having it all doesn’t mean what I once thought it meant.
I’m a Gen X kid—I saw what “having it all” looked like. It looked like a mom who worked 40+ hours a week and still did all the emotional labor for the family. It is possible to have it all without the sort of workaholic martyrdom that past generations had to suffer, but that usually means both letting go of the ideal of the Leave it to Beaver perfect family life and sharing that emotional labor with other members of the household. Yes, including your kids.
Ask for help.
No matter how much I might wish it, the other members of my household are not mind-readers. So I had to learn to ask for help when I needed it. And not only ask for help on a single small task, but ask to delegate ownership of a whole set of tasks from taking the garbage out on Sundays to owning the administrative details of the Healthcare Spending Account to doing laundry. This takes time and practice, but it is possible.
Add the big rocks first.
Prioritizing your business doesn’t have to mean that you never make time for your family. Family is still a big rock, so make time even if that means you have to block it on your calendar.
Know when to put the phone down.
Once I chose to make my business a priority, I had to choose to put the phone down when I was with my family. I want to concentrate on my business 100% during working hours, so I need to be able to focus 100% on my family in the off hours. I couldn’t feel good about letting that boundary relax if I was already choosing to spend a great deal of time and energy on my work.
The example I set makes a lasting impression.
When I stayed home with the kiddos, that was their primary lens. So at a young age, it never even occurred to them that moms could work. Now I spend my days doing something I love, something I feel passionate about, something I think makes the world a better place. And my kids see that, even if I miss the occasional game or am on a call when they come home from school. They no longer doubt that moms can work, or that moms can love what they do.
My skills and experiences are valuable, and I deserve to be paid for them.
This can be a hard lesson for women raised in a society that demands unpaid labor and devalues a woman’s contribution in the workplace to learn. But really internalizing it has been so freeing for me. It helps me make business decisions and family decisions from a place of power and confidence.
The Guilt Goblins rely on the Patriarchy to serve up their victims.
I could write a whole book about this, but it’s true. Mommy Guilt™ is a trademark of the patriarchy. I see letting that shit go as an act of resistance. The reframe helps, I promise.
Listen to my gut.
It knows the answer every time. If my mind is really struggling to make a tough decision, I get quiet, do some deep breathing, and check in with my gut. It may sound woo-woo, but I promise you, your gut (or intuition or spirituality or whatever you want to call it) will not lead you astray.
